On Letting My Heart Go

Fostering children broke my heart into a million pieces over and over again. With each child I mothered, my heart left my chest. I had no choice. I would not have been able to keep from if I had tried. I didn’t have a clue how to mother any other way.

Then eventually they would have to go. And like a plate glass window knocked loose from its casing, crashing to the ground, my heart would shatter to pieces. One child at a time, two at a time or sometimes three. I never could pick up the pieces, let alone repair the brokenness.

I don’t know how He did it, but God kept putting my heart back together again and again just as if it had never been broken. With each child He brought to us, my mommy heart reported for duty once again…whole, seemingly undamaged, strong, and complete. Only God could do that! If I had had my own way I may have run fast away rather than subject myself to the grief of it all…again.

Who in the world willingly subjects themselves to such pain?

Who signs up for that?

Love does, that’s Who.

Who is Love?

God is. That’s Who.

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9 thoughts on “On Letting My Heart Go

  1. Pingback: Beautiful Moms | Delana's World

  2. Pingback: The Final Goodbye « Instant Mama

  3. Oh Melissa, I am so feeling like my heart is lying on the ground, broken into millions and billions of tiny pieces right now. For me attachment was not optional either, and even though I knew this day would probably come I got attached anyway. I don’t regret it one bit, because while I always knew I was taking a risk, I also always knew that my God is big enough to love me in my brokenness and put the pieces back together again. I know He will – He is at work already. Thank you for being a part of my healing process through this post and through sharing your story and your faith. Blessings to you and yours.

    • Oh, instantmama, I am so sorry for the heart shattering loss you are experiencing right now. I so absolutely know exactly what you are going through. I read your post and you described it well…To a genuine, loving, nurturing, real mama who loves those children deeply it is completely natural to feel the injustice of it all. It does not matter to the heart how much the mind is told that this is a temporary arrangement because a real mommy’s heart does not know the difference. All the while her love is growing, letting go and knows no bounds…because it is the right thing to do, because it is what a mother was created to do and because it is worth it. The children of her heart deserve her whole heart and they were created by God to receive that kind of love! Sis, may God bless you beyond your wildest dreams! You are lovingly in my prayers. ~Melissa

  4. I have such empathy for you, having been a foster mom myself. (However, I also had 2 children ‘of my own”, one biological and one adopted, to keep my heart full.) I had to treat it as a job…taking care of children was my job. I would feed them and love them and send them on their way knowing they are better for having lived with us. However, we planned to adopt one of the foster children, and his elderly grandmother took him to live with her. The fact that I had planned to have him as my son is what broke my heart. It wasn’t just a job with him, he was to be my son. And when he left, that plate glass window to which you refer, shattered on me, and I could no longer find it in me to be a foster parent.
    God bless you!

  5. My birth family fostered and adopted. I remember it well. I have cared for babies and children most of my life, training as a nursery nurse at a young age. Finding that place of warm caring without getting attached is a difficult balance. Maybe these babies big or small need to know you are emotionally engaged. Kids sense so much don’t they. 🙂

    • Thanks so much for reading and sharing. Yes they do. They need, want and deserve a genuine mother. Attaching is not optional really. At least for me, I don’t know how keep from it. ~Melissa

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