“Feeling inadequate is not a sin, but using it as an excuse is.
When the Lord challenges you to do something that you feel is beyond your abilities, you have two options.
You can focus on Christ and proceed in triumph
focus on yourself and withdraw in defeat.”
Those were the words of Dr. Charles Stanley in this morning’s, In Touch, Devotion. It also hit me hard when Dr. Stanley stated, “He (God) has promised to lead us in triumph in Christ, but unless we believe Him and step out in faith, we’ll never experience the life He has planned for us.”
The passage to meditate on was II Corinthians 2:14-17. His title for the devotional today, Wednesday, June 6, 2012, is “Overcoming the Barrier of Inadequacy”. I’ve been in a huge struggle right here for a few years now. Sad, but true.
The Lord has repeatedly pressed me to accomplish something(s). He has even used others very close to me and those not-so-close to me to add to the pressure. I feel it. I sense it. I know it. It’s clear as a bell. No doubts. Even as I am telling you about it now the pressure to unfreeze (thaw out?) and just go for it and actually stick with it is overwhelming!!! It’s to the point of becoming a heavy weight on me.
The only barrier, the only blockade…is me. I can even see myself standing victorious on the other side. I will let myself actually feel the feelings of relief when it’s behind me and I, with my sweet family, am enjoying the finished product…ahhhhh….finally. I actually did it. I kept going. I got through it. Over. Done.
Ha, but soon I cut me off. I think about what it would take to get there and I freeze. I retreat back into comfy-cozy land like any mamby-pamby would. My flesh likes it there. It seems safe and warm. Afterall, just thinking about it makes my brain hurt and my heart beat fast and hard. My flesh says, “no thanks”.
All I have to do is sit down, let my fingers tap-tap-tap while He pours out the stories. But I’m scared. I get shaky even. It’ll cost me. The price of time doesn’t bother me. The fear of rejection isn’t there so much either. Whether anyone takes a chance and reads it or not isn’t mainly what’s looming over me, although it does seem a little like taking off all your clothes in front of everybody! Give me a parka!!!
To tell our stories, to share the moving messages that changed our lives…means I have to go back…as in voluntarily, purposely. Like climbing into a time capsule. The thing is, too many of the places I will need to visit and re-live will hurt. Immersing myself in the past as if it is present. Emotionally, mentally, physically exhausting, draining. Who signs up for that? It sounds crazy. I know there’s more awesomeness to share than grief, but still…
I have an attic full of other excuses…
“First I need to be ready. I’m not ready yet.”
“I can’t write an entire book!”
“What if I can’t recall important details?”
“I should wait until my children are grown.”
“I can’t organize my thoughts. It’ll be a jumbled mess.”
“I don’t know how to use words to bring a reader along with me so they actually feel like they are there. What if my words don’t do justice to the actual events?”
“It’ll take me years & years to finish or probably actually never because I am a chronic reviser, with serious edit/correct/reword/delete-itis!!! It takes me nearly forever just to publish a little blog post for goodness sake let alone an entire manuscript!”
“What if I put my whole bleeding heart out there and all the reader hears is, ‘blah-blah-blah, ya-da, ya-da…yaawwwn’?”
“It’s seriously too risky.”
Ugh! On and on I drone.
If only I could stop thinking so much and just ease out a portion here, a portion there.
If only I could stop thinking about the end and take one little, first, tiny step.
If only I could learn how to eat an elephant.
If only I could?
If only I would.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Focus on me and withdraw?
Focus on Christ and proceed?
Is it all about HIM? Or not?
The choice is mine. He’s waiting…
Til next time,
Melissa…Walking with Jesus!
P.S. Seriously, Melissa, hit “publish” already and let this post float into cyberspace. It’s fine as is…hit. the. button. now. And stop proof reading this P.S., really? Ugh!